Strange but few...

I’ve had my share of Seinfeld moments in life, but even if I pitched this story to Larry David, he might not believe it actually happened.

Most Slavic languages don’t use articles, which can present a lifelong challenge for English language learners from that language family.  In reality, not using an article virtually never impedes meaning. There is one exception I am peculiarly familiar with, though.   If I say “Few people attended the party”, maybe 1,000 people were expected but only 100 attended.  If I say “A few people attended the party”, it means a handful, perhaps two to five.  It definitely can’t signify 100.   The same goes for “I made few friends at that school” versus “I made a few friends at that school.”  Imagine trying to discern that difference when articles are already the bane of your existence. 

I do recall it was a sunny Chicago day about seven years ago. I don’t recall the writing portion of my speaking exercise, but Vitaliy, a Ukrainian student, had written something like “I learned few things at my last job.”   I asked him for clarification, thinking he wanted it to be a positive statement, which he did, so I told him he needed to add “a” before “few”.  Because it’s a long explanation, I asked him to remind me about “a few” in five minutes so that I could explain it to the whole class after I had checked everyone’s writing.
 
Naturally (for my brain), a few minutes later I had already forgotten about it and I headed from the back corner of the classroom to the front of the class to explain the speaking part of our exercise. As I passed Vitaliy’s table, he raised his hand and reminded me enthusiastically with the volume knob at eight:  “A FEW!  A FEW!”, putting the same stress on each syllable.  The even intonation coupled with his accent made it come out sounding like  “eh” and “few”.  This amounted to a student near-shouting at his teacher, “F.U.! F.U.!”
 
Luckily “F.U.” as an abbreviated verbal bird hadn’t met the threshold for colloquialization for these advanced students at that point, so none of them picked up on it.  Nor did they understand why I had started laughing uncontrollably.  If you think explaining “few” versus “a few” is tedious and impractical, imagine explaining F.U. alongside it.  I didn’t, but rest assured every bone in my body wanted to just for any validation of what had just happened. 

All I wish is that there had been one witness who heard the whole thing and could relay how jarring and hilarious it was.   Implausibility? 100%.   Reality? Also 100%.   This is my Seinfeld life.

Now if you don’t believe me, well… “a few.”